The Art of Uncertainty

life after college, question mark?

Musings on a Winter Day January 16, 2012

Filed under: Buffalo,Musings — wildflowerfever @ 8:36 pm
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Saturday, January 14, 2012

Dear Snow,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for finally coming!  I never expected so miss you so much, but winter has been barren and bleak without you, and Christmas just wasn’t Christmas in your absence.  I haven’t even minded scraping you off my car in the morning.  From the moment I woke up on Friday and found the world covered in white, I’ve been feeling a lot more hopeful about life.  It’s so soft and bright outside and so cozy inside that everything just seems nicer, somehow, and it feels right, like things are falling into place.  This is how Buffalo should be in January—so thank you for making it happen.


I spent today under my bed, digging around in boxes of old papers and writing and mementos and emerging dusty with nostalgia.  I started out looking for some DVDs I’d lost (which, miraculously, I found!), but I was also looking for answers to my life.  Rilke told me yesterday, as we were chatting on the subway, that I needed to stop looking outside myself for these answers—they’re probably not going to come from the internet or from random people I meet.  (Okay, he wasn’t really there, but I had grabbed Letters to a Young Poet on my way out the door, and I found a passage that read: “Of course you must know that every letter of your will always give me pleasure, and only bear with the answer which will perhaps often leave you empty-handed; for at bottom, and just in the deepest and most important things, we are unutterably alone, and for one person to be able to advise or even help another, a lot must happen, a lot must go well, a whole constellation of things must come right in order once to succeed,” and another passage that read: “here I feel that no human being anywhere can answer for you those questions and feelings that deep within them have a life of their own; for even the best err in words when they are meant to mean most delicate and almost inexpressible things. [...] You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.”)  So what I was saying before I started babbling about quotes is that it seemed reasonable to start figuring out my life by reminding myself how I got from who I have been to who I am now: thus, perusing my old writing.

I unearthed things that I do not reread very often.  I have journals I’ve kept dating back to tenth grade, and I have my yearbooks and whatever writing I saved on the computer, but I’m pretty familiar with all of that.  Today I found my writing notebook from the fourth grade, my high school agendas, seven calendars on which I’d written down everything I’d done on every single day from 2001 to 2007 (OCD much?), poetry notebooks, and a whole bunch of notebooks with no stated purpose that I just used for random things, which were pretty interesting.  In one notebook (which contained mostly fragments of stories and poems), I found a page that was folded in half lengthwise so that I had to unfold it to read it.  It said: “God I can’t wait to get out of this school/out of this damn place/boring & psychotic hellish place/give me air, ~life~, love, freedom, understanding, what’s real & good & true & natural & beautiful/where? where? where?/are the people who get it?/Does anyone?/Where?/Take me.”  So I was basically angsting about being trapped in high school instead of being out on the world having adventures and experiencing life, love, etc… and I realized that when I was younger, I blamed that ‘trapped’ feeling on being stuck in school and assumed that school was the only thing holding me back from living the life I wanted to live.  Now that I’m older I know that it’s more complicated than that—I still want basically the same things, but I know that it takes a lot more than not being in school to get there.

(There was going to be more to this, but I never finished it and now I’m not in the mood anymore.  However, I would like to add that as I am posting this, I am really digging the song “Bobcaygeon” by The Tragically Hip, and you should check it out.  Grooveshark or YouTube—take your pick.)

 

“Shades of Purple” Striped Puffy Bucket Hat Crochet Pattern December 29, 2011

Filed under: Creations — wildflowerfever @ 1:46 am
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"Shades of Purple" Crocheted Bucket Hat

Since I shared the pattern for the hat I made myself last year, I thought I’d post my hat pattern for 2011 as well.  I think this hat came out much better, and it’s quicker to make, too.  If you decide to attempt one, let me know how it goes!  (I did not make the scarf in the picture.)

NOTES:

I made my hat in a spiral because it was easier, but it makes the seam look awkward, so I would recommend chaining up to the next layer each time around.  It will have a seam either way, but it’s more noticeable with the spiral.

Puff stitch: (yo, hook through stitch, yo, pull through) 3 times so that you have 6 loops on your hook.  Then yo and pull through all 6 loops.

I used Caron yarn and an F hook.

YARN COLORS:

A = dark purple
B = medium purple
C = light purple

PATTERN:

With Color A,
ch 4, sl st through first ch to make a circle.
Round 1 – 12 dc in circle (12)
Round 2 – (2 dc in each dc) 12 times (24)
Round 3 – (2 dc in 1st dc, 2 dc in 2nd dc, 1 dc in 3rd dc) 8 times (40)
Round 4 – (2 dc in 1st dc, 1 dc in 2nd dc) 20 times (60)
Round 5 – (2 dc in 1st dc, dc in next 4 dc) 12 times (72)
Round 6 – (2 dc in 1st dc, dc in next 11 dc) 6 times (78)
Rounds 7-10 – dc in each dc around (78)

Switch to Color B.
Round 11 – (1 puff st, 1 dc) 36 times (78)
Round 12 – sc in each dc/puff st (78)
Round 13 – (1 puff st, 1 dc) 36 times (78)
Round 14 – sc in each dc/puff st (78)
Round 15 – (1 puff st, 1 dc) 36 times (78)

Switch to Color C.
Round 16 – sc in each dc/puff st (78)
Round 17 – (2 sc in 1st sc, sc in next 12 sc) 6 times (84)
Round 18 – (2sc in 1st sc, sc in next 11 sc) 7 times (91)

Switch to Color A.
(I find the bottoms of my hats are rounder when my math doesn’t work out.  Therefore, this part is more complicated to explain.)
Round 19 – sc (see below*)
Rounds 20-21 – dc (see below*)
*For rounds 19-21 – (st in first 6 sts, 2 sts in next st, st in next 5 sts) until you join back up with the seam at the end of the 21st round.

Switch to Color B.
Round 22 – (sl st in 1st dc, ch 1) around and finish for edging.

 

To Hell with Weddings November 8, 2011

Filed under: Random Rambling — wildflowerfever @ 2:29 am
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Tonight I found myself combing through Facebook, examining the pages of “friends” who are married and/or pregnant or parents.  (“Friends” is in scare quotes because Facebook has hijacked the term.)  I’ve been to a total of nine weddings/receptions in the past year and a half.  Of the six different roommates I had in college, four are now married and one is pregnant.  This is not what I had in mind for my social circle at 25.  When people first started getting engaged, it was surprising (to me) and kind of cute (I suppose).  Now I feel like if one more person tells me they’re getting married, I’m going to have to struggle not to punch something.  I have this strange and extreme resentment toward the whole production.  I abhor the whole proposal thing, where the man is supposed to get down on one knee and pull out a shiny ring and pop the question and the girl acts all surprised and gleeful.  If the idea of marriage is really such a surprise, that’s kind of a problem.  I find it antiquated and obnoxious.  I would never want an engagement ring (Why does the woman wear one and not the man?  To show that she is officially someone’s property?  Lovely.), and I would never want marriage proposed to me in such a manner.  If my significant other wants to discuss marriage, we can sit down and discuss it like civilized adults instead of acting out someone’s fairytale idea of a decision-making process.  And then, the wedding.  Oh dear lord spare me the horrors of bridal showers [read: shameless ploys for presents, or, sexist rituals designed to prepare the woman materially for her new role as cook and housekeeper so that she can care for her man (shudder)], bachelorette parties (limos, party buses, going to clubs and getting drunk?  Motion-Sick Girl says no thanks), spending an absurd amount of money on a dress to wear once… all of that.  And what REALLY gets me right now is the amount of women who still take their husband’s last name.  I thought we were out of the dark ages.  I hate, hate, HATE it when the introduce the couple as “Mr. and Mrs. David Smith” (for example).  The groom gets his whole name and all the bride gets is “Mrs.”  Your identity is now reduced to your relationship to your husband.  Congratulations.  For fuck’s sake, why do people still do this?  The whole marriage thing just reeks of the idea of ownership, of becoming someone’s property, of belonging to your man—and that’s what makes my skin crawl.

And then, babies.  Babies on Facebook.  From the first “OMG I’m pregnant!” to the ultrasound pictures to the photos of the “baby bump” at various stages of gestation to the final birth, EVERYTHING is documented on Facebook, and the comments fill up with people crooning about how WONDERFUL it all is and how GREAT a mommy you are and how BEAUTIFUL you look (even when you really don’t).  Okay, first of all, ultrasound = uterus = internal organ.  I’m not your doctor and I don’t want to see it.  Want me to put up pictures of the x-rays from breaking my arm?  How ’bout my spleen?  Wanna see my spleen?  And then tell me how cute it is?  I didn’t think so.  Keep your insides inside, please.  Also, baby bumps give me the willies.  You have something growing.  Inside you.  You might think it’s a beautiful miracle, but some tend to see it as a little creepy.  What’s creepier to me is the pride that some husbands seem to take in their wives’ baby bumps.  To me it has this sense of “Look what I put inside you!”  Creep city.  And of course once the baby’s born we have to hear about every detail of the baby’s room and every single thing the baby does, and we are treated to an absolute barrage of pictures of the baby on Facebook.  Sometimes I almost want to delete my Facebook account due to the inundation of baby.

The question I have to ask myself, now that I’ve probably offended a large portion of my friends (if they ever read this, which they probably won’t), is “Why the fuck am I so freaking angry about something that has nothing at all to do with me?”  Why should other people’s life decisions piss me off?  If I don’t want those things, then I just won’t do them myself, but other people should be free to live that way if it makes them happy.  All true.  And, I mean, I don’t want those things, do I?  Largely I do not.  Being/falling in love, yes, that is nice.  Finding someone you love so much and are compatible with enough that you want to spend the rest of your life with them?  That would be pretty cool.  And yes, I am probably to some extent jealous of the people who have found that, even if I don’t want to express it in the same way.  And although I legitimately do find the whole procreation process somewhat disturbing, I think I would like to raise children of my own someday, even if they’re adopted.  (I could also change my mind and make peace with the pregnancy thing, if whatever hormone triggers that bit of insanity ever kicks in.)

I think a lot of what actually upsets me lies in feeling somehow left behind.  I want to spend my twenties single and fancy-free, doing crazy things and generally living it up, but my efforts at living the way I want to are severely thwarted when half of my friends have chosen to “settle down” and have therefore mostly disappeared from my social circle, and the single half has left Buffalo for other pursuits (mostly grad school, but also jobs, which admittedly can be hard to come by here).  I like living in Buffalo.  I want to live in Buffalo and have a group of friends who like to do fun things with me.  (Examples of “fun things” include exploring abandoned buildings, going to concerts, taking random road trips, and skinny dipping.)  I live in Buffalo but my friends are generally a) unavailable due to marriage/jobs/relationships; b) absconded to places that are not Buffalo; or c) not interested in my idea of “fun things.”  I suppose I should blame the deserters as much as the marrieds, and to some extent I do, but in most cases they left for pretty legitimate reasons.  I can’t think of a whole lot of legitimate reasons to get married aside from health insurance and taxes.  (Oh, right, and looooove.  Wait, never mind.)

Another problem I have with the whole marriage/parenthood thing is that I do not feel like we are really that old.  I know that everyone does things at their own rate and they we’re not all on the same timetable, but sometimes I compare myself to other people my age and wonder what is wrong with me.  Shouldn’t I, in fact, want these things as well?  Why don’t I?  What if I wake up one day and I’m 37 and I suddenly decide I want to get married and have kids and I have to go out and chase down a man and I end up with someone who’s lived with his mother his whole life and can’t hold down a job and plays the lottery, only to find out my biological clock has ticked its last and I totally missed my chance to have the whole pregnancy experience, but I’m still stuck with the loser for the rest of my life?  I don’t really want to consider this scenario, but every time another friend “settles down” I find myself thinking about it.

And my third issue is probably actually jealousy.  It would be nice to find a person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  I sort of feel like the likelihood of it ever happening decreases every day as more people get married and the dating pool gets ever shallower.  Being in a lifelong committed relationship at thirty sounds acceptable, but I don’t want to have to choose between being a cougar and being someone’s second wife to make that happen.  I guess it just seems like it might be nice to have the security of knowing that you already found that person, that you don’t have to keep searching and they they’ll always be there for you.  You could also join the club of married people and go to married people social functions, and if all your friends moved away you might not feel so bad because you could always spend more quality time with your spouse.  On the flip side, though, beginnings are always fun, and I can still enjoy the thrill of the possibility of new relationships because I am not yet settled for life.

I suppose I should write some sort of conclusion to this.  I didn’t edit it half as much as what I usually post on here, so please don’t sue me.  And the things I said that sounded mean, I probably don’t really REALLY mean deep down, but I feel them anyway sometimes due to the reasons listed toward the end.  (Yes, I am kind of a fucked-up person.)  This is me venting things that have been bugging me for a while now and then trying to analyze why they’re floating around in my head at all.  In the end, I guess, what this means is that I need to work harder at getting my own life to be where and what I want it to be, which will decrease the temptation to compare myself to other people and get all pissy and bitter over their life decisions.

 

“My Literary Journey with Harry,” or, “I Refuse to Let this Blog Die Even if I Resort to Posting Old Material” July 17, 2011

Filed under: Books,JVC,Teaching — wildflowerfever @ 11:56 pm
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In honor of the end of the Harry Potter movies, I thought I would share an essay I wrote for grad school in fall of 2009.  We had to create a “literacy narrative” detailing our experiences with a specific piece of literature, and I chose the Harry Potter series not necessarily for its literary merit but for the impact it had on my life.  I admit it’s a little cheesy, but it’s a decent description of what the series has meant to me over the past eleven years.  And so I present:

My Literary Journey with Harry

          Sunday morning, spring of 2000.  As I walk out of church with my family, I spot my friend Elizabeth from elementary school among the crowd.  She holds out a book that I take with mittened hands, the metallic words “Harry Potter” emblazoned across the cover.  I have heard of this book.  It’s been on the news, and my parents have mentioned it.  Elizabeth and I trade recommendations often, so I will read it now that I know that she liked it.  It pulls me in—not immediately, not even in the first chapter, but gradually, gently.  I read in stolen moments before and after class, before bed, and during lunch, earning a glorious moment of attention from my crush at the time as he comments on the series.  This is far from the first book to absorb me like this.  An eighth grader, I have been an avid reader for years, tearing my way through various series for older children.  I read many books, but the books that draw me magnificently and inexorably into their worlds are few and far between.  For days turning into weeks, I walk my middle school hallways in a world of magic and bravery and good and evil.  I have read through the first three books in no time and eagerly await the release of the next, which is mere months away.

My next step is to convince my brother, three years younger, to read the books as well.  When school ends that June, we set to work constructing our own Hogwarts.  A PVC pipe covered with wood grain-print contact paper with twigs tied to one end becomes a Quidditch broom.  We find early Halloween decorations in a craft store and bring home black plastic cauldrons for our Potions class.  There are witches’ hats in our basement from past Halloweens that we unearth and wear, and we find old Beanie Baby frogs and cats and owls for pets.  The most important detail is the wand.  I construct mine carefully, rolling a piece of construction paper into a tube, painting it black, and pressing masking tape over the ends after suspending a “unicorn hair” inside—a piece of filmy, sparkly thread that I unwind from a strand of baby yarn my mom is using to crochet an afghan.  Once all of the details are in place, we begin to hold classes, taking turns as the teacher—Potions using clippings of plants from our yard, Care of Magical Creatures using the companion book Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and Transfiguration using spells from the Harry Potter books.  The same summer, I design my own Sorting Hat quiz and sort my family members into the various houses, and I write a spontaneous essay analyzing J. K. Rowling’s time travel theory from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

The peak of the summer is the release of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  I find myself reluctantly swept up in the general wave of anticipation preceding the release, and I resent the knowledge that so many other people love the same books that I love, as if their existence somehow makes my relationship with the series less legitimate.  I try to distract myself from the Harry Potter frenzy by focusing on the release of the third book in the less-famous His Dark Materials trilogy instead.  My mom buys a copy of the fourth Harry Potter book the day it comes out, and she, my brother, and I take turns reading it.  When my brother is not around I steal it away and devour it in hiding.  The ending is so shocking I am bursting to talk about it, but I have to swallow down my excitement until my brother is done reading as well.  I can’t wait to find out what happens to Harry next—and wait I must, for three whole years.

In the summer of 2003, I slowly climb back inside the world of Hogwarts as I delve into the fifth book, savoring every precious word and the warmth and familiarity of being reunited with a friend long absent.  The movies have kept the series alive for me in the interim, although I have complaints about something in the representation of every character.  The series is now mass-merchandized as well, and I lament that today’s children do not have to be so creative in their reenactments.  In the midst of my reading my family goes to visit my grandparents on Catawba Island in Ohio.  I finish the book sprawled out on a grassy hill beneath a tree in the afternoon sunshine with Lake Erie stretching into the distance behind me, reveling with the rest of Hogwarts when the Fred and George torment Dolores Umbridge with their pièce de résistance of practical jokes, and feeling every ounce of Harry’s pain at the ending, leaving me in a mourning state throughout the rest of my vacation.  There is no film representation of this book yet, and there will not be for a while, so I put myself to work trying to sketch out my visualizations of the characters before the actors the director chooses overwrite my own imagination, as they have for the earlier books.  I spend much of my free time during my final year of high school trying to write my own fiction, almost exclusively fantasy, inspired in part by Harry Potter, among other works.  I never attempt to write fan fiction because to me it seems a more difficult feat to fully grasp the workings of a character and a world that someone else has created, than to create my own.

The sixth book is not released for two more years.  Meanwhile, I start college and get my own laptop, and the internet becomes more of a fixture in my life.  After the sixth book is released in the summer of 2005, I am still in the process of rereading the fifth to refresh my memory when I come across a major spoiler online with no warning whatsoever.  A friend spoils more of the plot for me, and it takes me much longer to make my way through the book carrying that disappointment.  Although I admit that the books are good enough to deserve their popularity, I find myself wishing again that they did not draw quite so much attention.  Later in the summer I dye my hair a deep red with henna paste and cut it very short: the most dramatic style change of my life.  I decide to take advantage of the new hair that Halloween by dressing as Nymphadora Tonks, using descriptions from the book as well as an online artist’s visual representation of her that I find fits my imagination pretty accurately.  I even print out a cartoon picture of her to paste over my own on my student ID.  In the spring of my sophomore year, I study abroad in Spain, and my friends and I go to London for a weekend, where the Harry Potter references fly.  It’s like walking in a dream turned real—we can hardly believe that this place actually exists in the world, after seeing it in books and movies and TV shows all our lives.

When the seventh book is released, I am between my junior and senior years in college, and I am spending the summer working at McDonald’s because it is the only place I can find in my town that is hiring.  It is unquestionably the most tedious and painful job I have ever endured.  After my mishap with the sixth book, I decide not to reread any of the series before the release, counting on the seventh book for all the memory-refreshing I might need.  My mom now works at a public school and is friends with the school librarian, who is allowed to order copies of the new book to be delivered two days in advance of the official release.  My mom, brother, younger sister, and I all order copies of the book from her and go to the school library to pick them up, feeling complicit in some sort of underworld dealing.  I spend the rest of the day entirely absorbed in the book, barely pausing to eat or sleep.  The next day I have to work at McDonald’s for a few hours, and I am not just cooking meat in a hot, noisy, crowded kitchen; I am also in England, traveling through forests undercover trying to destroy Horcruxes and elude the Dark Lord.  I finish the book later that day with a sigh as I bid goodbye to the world I have loved for so many years of my life—no longer living, breathing, and changing, I fear it will be relegated to memory, a flower pressed between the pages of a book.  I do not speak a word to anyone about receiving an advanced copy for years, and certainly do not spill secrets online, although I peruse the internet before the release to see that many others have done so.  The point is not to make anyone jealous—I just want to have my own experience with the book this time, pristine and untouched by anyone else.  On the day of the release, my brother, sister and I dress up as Harry Potter characters and drive out to the local Barnes & Noble for the pre-release party, careful not to say anything about the contents of the seventh book while we are there.  This is the final release and we want to have the full experience, because it will never come again.

After I finish the last book, though, the series remains a part of my life.  During my senior year I take a class entitled “Magic, Science, and Religion,” for which I decide to write a research paper relating the Harry Potter series to Joseph Campbell’s The Hero With A Thousand Faces.  I give a presentation on my paper to the class, including clips from the movies in my Powerpoint, and I think that maybe I am starting to come to peace with the series as a cultural phenomenon and the movies and merchandizing that that entails.

The year after I graduate from college, I am living in San Francisco in a four-bedroom apartment with six strangers as part of a year-long volunteer program.  After we move in together we quickly establish that while four of us are besotted Harry Potter fans, three of us have never read the series.  Chris resolutely refuses to read them because as a devoted history major he thinks that reading fiction (and especially fantasy!) is pointless, but my roommates Julie and Courtney read the first book because it is on the shelf in our house: they are immediately hooked, tearing their way through the rest of the series within the first few months of the program.  I walk into the living room one day to find Julie sitting there with tears streaming down her face at the end of one of the books, unable to stop crying or reading.  Their constant discussion of the books brings that world back to life for the rest of us.

We watch the movies together as a house, critiquing them as they relate to the books, and one day when Chris is gone, we decide to hold a Harry Potter community night.  We make butter beer from a recipe we find online and eat Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, and we take a Sorting Hat quiz and sort each other into houses using a sorting hat made from a paper bag that drops out house badges (which Melissa has printed out, cut out, and colored at work that day).  Then we put on our house badges and watch the fifth movie together, joking about taping the Slytherin badge to Chris’s door.  The six of us buy advanced tickets to see the sixth Harry Potter movie on opening night.  I have never been to the opening of any of the movies, and seeing people in costume waiting breathlessly in line brings back the excitement of the book releases in earlier days.  This is the first movie that I am able to just sit back and enjoy without critiquing everything they have changed from the text, whether because it’s been a while since I read the books or because I am swept up in the excitement of it all over again.

Now that I am going to school to become a teacher, I find myself tapping into that world once more to talk about the role that literacy plays in my life.  Although Harry Potter is far from the only or most important literature that has influenced me, my passion for the series has spanned the greatest period of time.  I want to bring that passion for the worlds created by texts to the classroom with me, and I want each student to have the opportunity to experience that magic for him/herself, creating his/her own relationship with the text regardless of everyone else reading it before sharing that experience with the class.  I want them to find inspiration in texts, whether the texts be novels, poetry, or movies, and to see that texts can span many different aspects of their lives, enhancing and enriching their daily experiences.

 

…In which I ramble about life in my twenties. April 1, 2011

I find that words fail me a lot.  We as human beings need to invent a better method of communication.

I feel… frenzied tonight.  Like I have more energy than I know what to do with.

I would like to be a connoisseur of beauty.  That sounds nice.  Let’s do that.

It’s strange how the same things inspire me now as when I was fifteen.  It’s funny how much changes in nine years, but it’s even funnier how much doesn’t change at all.

I hate cold calling* people I don’t call on a regular basis.  In fact, I have a minor panic attack before I have to do it…  The best way to get it done is to just dial without thinking about it, but it’s impossibly difficult to try NOT to think about something.  I like to think that courage is rewarded.  I’ve found that to be the case before in my life, but I suppose it can’t always work that way.

I went to a dinner party/wedding reception last night with some people that I work with, and I ended up having more interesting conversations with my coworkers than I ever have at work.  One coworker in particular gave me a smattering of random details about her life that I found fascinating, and I would love to get to know her better.  At one point we were talking about the idea of age and retaining a youthful spirit, and I asked her what advice she would give to someone who’s twenty-four.  (She’s in her mid-forties.)  She said that she wished she hadn’t worried as much and had experienced more.  That sounds right on, as far as my life goes.  I spend my time worrying about all sorts of things—the past, the future, what career I’ll have, whether I’ll ever get married/have kids/buy a house, whether I’m wasting my twenties, whether my health will fail me, whether I’ll die in a car accident, whether I’ll ever become a rock star, whether I’m stuck with this acne for the rest of my adult life, whether I’m a bad person when I shop at chain stores, whether I’m making the right choices, whether I have enough friends, and what people think of me… for example.  (I worry a lot.)  I also wish I were doing other things, like traveling more and seeing more plays and going to more concerts and open mic nights and taking more pictures and trying to see every park in Buffalo and learning the guitar and starting a commune and opening a tea shop.  Those are all plausible things, so really I just need to stop being lazy and do them.

The problem for me is that I have no desire to be tied down, but it’s so hard not to be.   I need a job to have money to pay rent to have somewhere to live and to buy food so that I don’t starve, and jobs generally keep me in one place.  If I keep job-hopping that will look bad on my résumé and make it harder for me to find a job at all.  For some reason, it’s hard for me to accept that all one can really expect from a life is a steady job, a home, a family, grocery shopping, going to the gym or the bar, taxes, car insurance, etc.  I’ve always expected more from life than that, but I’ve never really been able to articulate what exactly that is.  Maybe I’m just being greedy.

I think there has to be a balance between accepting things the way they are and trying to be happy, and retaining enough dissatisfaction to motivate you to improve things any way you can.

But I still don’t know what I want.  Buddhism says not to want anything, but I’m not sure I buy that either.  I’ll give it some more thought.


*I’m pretty sure I’m using this phrase wrong because a quick Google search suggested it only applies to call centers.  I guess those four months rubbed off on me…

 

Not just sometimes, but always March 24, 2011

Filed under: Musings — wildflowerfever @ 1:52 am
Tags: , , ,

I had a dream a few years ago about someone I only knew by reading his blog (I’ve been a regular reader of many random blogs over the years without ever commenting).  I had a dream that he died, this kid, a senior in high school, a talented writer with so much potential, and in my dream I knew in some profound sense—I felt the weight of it deep within me—that because of his death, I would spend the rest of my life trying to fill in the space he had left in the world, and nothing would ever be the same.

I had a line from this song running through my head the entire next day.

It was just a dream, and the feeling eventually wore off, but I wonder, if it hadn’t, what would be different?  Would I be willing to take more risks?  Would I be more dedicated to creative pursuits like writing and making music?  Would I be more passionate about everything I do?  Would I have the courage to act on more things I’m usually content to daydream about?  Would I be sitting on a beach somewhere around a campfire with people talking and singing along to someone playing a guitar, instead of sitting on the futon in my apartment typing on my laptop?  Would I be less willing to settle for an existence that is anything less than breathlessly exhilarating?  Would I travel more?  Would I start looking seriously into volunteer programs abroad?  Would I talk to strangers on the subway?  Would I start sending postcards to people I’ve never met?

I don’t think I ever expected it to be so difficult to abandon the comfort of the known.  But it’s not just familiar things and circumstances that are hard to leave—a job, an apartment with a year lease, houseplants that need watering—it’s the people more than anything else.  You can never really make up for time not spent with someone.  I love the people who are in my life, but I’ve really been feeling the need to meet new people and have new adventures as well.  I thought about hosting couch surfers, but there are no locks on our doors within our apartment, so my roommate doesn’t feel safe enough to try it right now.  I don’t feel safe enough if she doesn’t feel safe enough.  I think I tend to be too trusting of strangers sometimes, so I try rely on other people’s concerns to guide me.  (Example: letting a newly-released ex-convict borrow my phone and then giving him a ride to McDonald’s.)

I’ve also been listening to this song on repeat this week.  It’s one of those songs that so many people have recorded, it’s hard to find one great definitive version, but this live one is nice.  I haven’t really paid all that much attention to the words yet, but what it really calls to mind for me is the poignancy of the passing of time.  It’s been a good song to ruminate on while re-evaluating my life.

Also, apparently this is Scottish Song Week for my blog.  Enjoy.

 

Ruffled Bucket Hat Crochet Pattern February 25, 2011

Filed under: Creations — wildflowerfever @ 1:43 am
Tags: , , ,

Hat

This hat is crocheted in a spiral, so you’ll need a stitch marker to keep track of when one round ends and the next one starts (a safety pin worked well for me).  I used 1 skein of Lion Brand Vanna’s Choice yarn in cranberry.

Ch 4, join with sl st in first chain to form a ring.
Rnd 1: Work 6 sc in ring – 6 sc.
Rnd 2: Work 2 sc in each sc – 12 sc.
Rnd 3: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next sc) 6 times – 18 sc.
Rnd 4: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 2 sc) 6 times – 24 sc.
Rnd 5: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 3 sc) 6 times – 30 sc.
Rnd 6: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 4 sc) 6 times – 36 sc.
Rnd 7: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 5 sc) 6 times – 42 sc.
Rnd 8: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 6 sc) 6 times – 48 sc.
Rnd 9: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 7 sc) 6 times – 54 sc.
Rnd 10: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 8 sc) 6 times – 60 sc.
Rnd 11: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 9 sc) 6 times – 66 sc.
Rnd 12: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 10 sc) 6 times – 72 sc.
Rnd 13: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 23 sc) 3 times – 75 sc.
Rnds 14-30: Sc in each sc around – 75 sc.
Rnd 31: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 24 sc) 3 times – 78 sc.
Rnd 32: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 25 sc) 3 times – 81 sc.
Rnd 33: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 26 sc) 3 times – 84 sc.
Rnd 34: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 20 sc) 4 times – 88 sc.
Rnd 35: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 21 sc) 4 times – 92 sc.
Rnd 36: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 22 sc) 4 times – 96 sc.
Rnd 37: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 23 sc) 4 times – 100 sc.
Rnd 38: (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 24 sc) 4 times – 104 sc.
*
Rnd 39 (ruffle): (sl st in next sc, ch 3) 104 times.  Finish off and weave ends in.

*Adding 4 stitches per round made the bottom of my hat kind of square.  I haven’t actually tried this, but I’m thinking that for a less-square hat, maybe you could do something like (2 sc in next sc, sc in next 18 sc) for rounds 33-37.  If you try that, let me know how it goes!


Crocheting has been one of my hobbies this winter.  I made myself this scarf and this hat (which didn’t come out the way I wanted it to—I made it a little too big for my head), before making a hat with ear flaps for my boyfriend and designing the hat above for myself.

 

Granola Recipe! February 23, 2011

Filed under: Cooking,Creations — wildflowerfever @ 12:08 am
Tags: , ,

I started eating granola for breakfast last spring when I got bored with oatmeal, buying it in boxes from Wegman’s, but it was kind of pricey, so I thought I’d see if I could make it myself.  I combined pieces of some different recipes I found online and tweaked it until it came out just the way I wanted it.  I’ve been cooking up a batch every couple of weeks since the summer, and I’ve found that it’s a great food to bring to work to eat in my office since it’s semi-healthy and requires no microwaving (and since I’m incapable of getting up early enough to eat before I leave)… so I thought I’d share it with the rest of the internet here.  I didn’t include any dried fruit in my recipe because I eat it with applesauce instead of yogurt since I’m lactose intolerant.  (I originally got the applesauce idea from my Junior Girl Scout leader on a camp out.)

“Wildflowerfever’s Sunrise Granola”

Ingredients:"Mary's Sunrise Granola"

2 cups rolled oats
1 cup slivered almonds
½ cup shredded coconut
¼ cup wheat germ (optional… doesn’t make much difference)
¼ cup dark brown sugar
cinnamon
¼ cup vegetable/canola oil
½ cup honey

Materials:

mixing bowl
large spoon
small bowl
small spoon
cookie sheet
parchment baking paper
plastic container

1. Combine oats, almonds, coconut, wheat germ, and brown sugar in mixing bowl.  Mix well.  Add a sprinkle of cinnamon.
2. Preheat oven to 300°F.
3. In small bowl, combine oil and honey.  Mix thoroughly!!!  (I use the ¼ cup to measure the oil, then use it twice to measure the honey so it slides out more easily.)
4. Pour the oil/honey mixture over the dry ingredients in the mixing bowl.  Mix until the liquid coats everything more or less evenly.
5. Spread parchment paper over a cookie sheet and spread granola evenly over the parchment paper.  Bake at 300°F for 45 minutes, stirring every 15 minutes.  Allow to cool for about an hour, then peel granola off paper in chunks.  Store in a plastic container and mix with applesauce to eat.

Notes: It’s important to mix the dry and wet ingredients separately first.  I tried it without doing that and the consistency was very, well… inconsistent.  Also, the parchment paper is very important; otherwise, it’s next to impossible to get the granola off the pan after it cools.  Honey is seriously sticky!  And finally, it’s not really necessary to stir it every 10-15 minutes like some recipes recommend.  It’s all spread out thinly enough on the cookie sheet that it cooks evenly without being stirred.  (I take this back.  Stirring helps.)

 

Random Thoughts of the Day February 18, 2011

Filed under: Musings,Random Rambling,The Future,Work — wildflowerfever @ 1:23 am
Tags: , , , , ,

1. It’s been a while since I had one of those moments where I realize I don’t know someone nearly as well as I think I do.  The biggest instance of this that I remember is when I got an AIM account the summer I graduated from high school and discovered my classmates’ LiveJournals.  It was strange to read all of these thoughts and feelings I’d been unaware of in those around me, and it made me feel like I’d been walking around in my own little bubble the whole time.  I think I’m still in a bubble.

2. Have you ever met someone who is so amazing that the knowledge that such a person exists makes you excited to be human again?

3. I am really, really bad at writing emails.  I type it up, then reread it and tear it apart, second-guess everything I say, rephrase it all, decide it’s hopelessly inadequate, and send it anyway, hoping the person will understand what I was trying to convey.  Sometimes I can be weirdly neurotic.

4. I just re-watched Amélie and realized that I can relate to the way she gets caught up in daydreams about meeting her mystery man but is afraid to actually introduce herself, going to ridiculous levels to keep him interested but not too close.  The moment when you actually have to face the viability of your dreams is very scary.  Nothing ever goes as I envision it, but sometimes it turns out okay anyway.

5. We’re having funding problems at work, and there’s some risk of me losing my job after April.  I’m not sure how much risk, but my coworkers have been applying other places.  I’m not seriously worried because things will work out one way or another, but I’ve been entertaining myself by coming up with contingency plans:

  • Go back to the call center… actually, I’d rather be broke… actually, I’d rather stick a fork in my eye.  So scratch that.
  • Live off a combination of unemployment, random tutoring, crafting, and buying things at thrift stores and selling them on eBay as collectibles.
  • Write my first novel.
  • Go back to school for something like library science.
  • Join a band.
  • Become a groupie for some band or other and follow them around the country… not like I have any in mind… ahem.
  • Write a letter to the News offering my services as a copy editor for their online articles, because they really need another one.
  • Look into other volunteer programs.
  • Open a tea shop/used book store/cafe.
  • Go on a CouchSurfing tour of the country and possibly write a book about it.
  • Become an amateur private investigator like the guy in Bored to Death.

I really need more sleep.

 

The End of the Taurus January 25, 2011

Filed under: Adventures — wildflowerfever @ 11:26 pm
Tags: ,

So I kicked off 2011 by totaling my car.  This is how it went:

I’m driving down the 33 East to pick up my brother from the airport, around 11:30 p.m. on January 6.  Snow is coming down pretty hard and the roads are covered in slush, so I’m only going about 40.  The snow looks like it changes to sleet, then back to snow, then to sleet again.  I’m driving in the center lane, having trouble seeing the lane lines because of all the slush piled up.  My car slides right, so I turn the wheel left.  Then the car slides too far left, so I turn the wheel right.  Now it slides too far to the right.  I realize I’m fishtailing on the highway and that I’ve got to get it back under control so I don’t hit anyone else.  I turn the wheel to the left again, and the car collides with the concrete barrier dividing the highway, the driver’s side of the bumper scraping along it briefly before bouncing off.  “Shit, shit, shit.”  I’m crashing.  I crashed.  I am in a car crash.  The car then sails across all three lanes, turning 180° in slow motion so that I’m facing oncoming traffic, just hoping no other cars are close, and it runs off the road and plows down a chain link fence before coming to a stop on top of it.  Okay then.  I’m not hurt.  The airbags haven’t gone off.  I switch off the radio, which has been playing Fleetwood Mac’s “Gypsy” the whole time, search for my phone, and call my mother, followed by 911 and AAA.

NY-33E between Harlem Road and I-90

My front bumper was hanging off, the driver’s side mirror was nowhere in sight, there were multiple dents in the driver’s side of the car, and I couldn’t get either of the front doors open.  While I waited for the police to show up, I gathered up my cassettes which had gone everywhere and tried to get my paperwork together.  When the three police cars arrived (along with a news van?), I climbed out the back of my car and went and sat in the back of one of the cop cars while we waited for the tow truck.  I had to pick a place to tow it to, so I just named the place where I’d gotten an estimate when a kid rear-ended me over the summer.  Joe graciously agreed to pick up my brother for me, and then he came and met me at the crash site when they were loading my car onto the flatbed.  The cop let me out of his car, and I ran through the snow drifts to make sure the tow truck driver got “all the pieces” of my car—I handed him the side mirror and some parts of the bumper, and he looked at me like I was nuts.

Missing bumper/headlight

The next day I called my insurance company and they went through some questions with me.  They had to send out an appraiser to look over my car to give an estimate of the damage before they could fix it, and they got me set up with a rental car in the meantime (a white Chevy Malibu with a sun roof and heated seats and free XM radio).  They mailed me an accident report form that I had to fill out for DMV purposes.  On Monday I got a call from the appraiser, who said that my car was totaled, meaning that it would cost more than it’s worth to fix it.  I was pretty bummed because I’d been driving it almost daily for a year and a half, plus it was the car I learned to drive in and took to all the piano lessons I taught in high school, and it had only been in my name since November.  I’d been hoping to drive it for years still, and I was very attached to the cassette player in particular.  I went to the collision place after work to collect all my belongings and say goodbye.

:'(

Then I had to look into getting a new car.  I used cars.com to check out various used cars in the area, and I really liked the Chevy Cobalts.  My parents heavily encouraged me to buy new, which they have done for as long as I can remember, but it was hard for me to justify spending the money right now.  In light of various circumstances, though, including a $3000 rebate, $3300 in insurance money, and a family Ford discount from my grandpa, I ended up being able to get a Ford Focus for a pretty low price.  My new car and I haven’t quite bonded yet, but I put a Carbon Leaf bumper sticker in the rear window, so I think that’s a good start.  The next step is to hook a Walkman up to the auxiliary input jack so I can play my tapes :)

Focus

Car Heaven

The Taurus in Car Heaven

 

 
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