The Art of Uncertainty

life after college, question mark?

Till one cloud-scattered night March 5, 2012

Filed under: Musings — wildflowerfever @ 12:57 am
Tags: , , , ,

In terms of a personal update, I will say that I’ve been mired in some sort of crisis—existential, quarter-life, or otherwise.  I had always been the kind of person who believed that everything happened for a reason and that some greater force was guiding me through life, taking me wherever I was meant to be; but I recently realized that for whatever reason, I’d just stopped buying it.  That has a lot of implications.  For one, the “go with the flow” approach that I take toward my life doesn’t really cut it, if my fate is solely my responsibility.  I have to figure out what I need to do to live the life I want and work to make it happen.  For another, I keep finding myself sinking into these brooding fits where I obsess about wasting my life.  (I’m already twenty-five, and what the hell have I accomplished?  I don’t even feel like I’ve progressed much as a person.)  I’ve been trying to evaluate the expectations I have for myself and my life to see what’s actually attainable, because I’ve reached the point where I have to face the fact that some things are just not going to happen.  For example, it occurred to me that I’ve always wanted to be an extravert.  Guess what?  Not happening.  So I guess what that means is that I have to find some sort of meaning in my life and a way to feel fulfilled without achieving extraversion.  (I am also probably never going to be a pirate rock star.)

These issues are exacerbated by the fact that I’m having a hard time with my current work assignment—I start wondering whether it’s getting to be time to jump ship job-wise, then I wonder whether I could even get hired to do anything else, then I wonder whether I will ever find a job I truly like (many people don’t, and I could well be one of those people), then I wonder whether I’m even good at anything I could be paid to do, and I wonder what the point of all this is anyway, working to make money to keep myself alive for what, exactly?  Where do people find meaning in their lives?  I would genuinely like an answer to that question.

I also have a hard time articulating why I’m not satisfied with my life.  I’ve been told by certain people that I can’t complain because I have (1) a job, (2) a boyfriend, and (3) an apartment.  While it’s true that I would probably bitch about it if I didn’t have those things, those three conditions in themselves do not a meaningful life make.  I tend to put things in terms of not having enough friends at the moment, but that isn’t quite it—it’s not that I need a lot of friends, but more that I lack meaningful connections with people.  The introversion thing is not helping there.  I am also seriously lacking adventures.  If my idea of an exciting weekend is vacuuming and rearranging my apartment, that’s a problem.  Lacking adventures can also be traced back to lacking friends—I can go on adventures by myself and have been doing that regularly for the past six months or so, but it gets lonely after a while.

Eh, I hate posting depressing things, but what’re you gonna do.  Anyway, here’s a cool song:

 

…In which I ramble about life in my twenties. April 1, 2011

I find that words fail me a lot.  We as human beings need to invent a better method of communication.

I feel… frenzied tonight.  Like I have more energy than I know what to do with.

I would like to be a connoisseur of beauty.  That sounds nice.  Let’s do that.

It’s strange how the same things inspire me now as when I was fifteen.  It’s funny how much changes in nine years, but it’s even funnier how much doesn’t change at all.

I hate cold calling* people I don’t call on a regular basis.  In fact, I have a minor panic attack before I have to do it…  The best way to get it done is to just dial without thinking about it, but it’s impossibly difficult to try NOT to think about something.  I like to think that courage is rewarded.  I’ve found that to be the case before in my life, but I suppose it can’t always work that way.

I went to a dinner party/wedding reception last night with some people that I work with, and I ended up having more interesting conversations with my coworkers than I ever have at work.  One coworker in particular gave me a smattering of random details about her life that I found fascinating, and I would love to get to know her better.  At one point we were talking about the idea of age and retaining a youthful spirit, and I asked her what advice she would give to someone who’s twenty-four.  (She’s in her mid-forties.)  She said that she wished she hadn’t worried as much and had experienced more.  That sounds right on, as far as my life goes.  I spend my time worrying about all sorts of things—the past, the future, what career I’ll have, whether I’ll ever get married/have kids/buy a house, whether I’m wasting my twenties, whether my health will fail me, whether I’ll die in a car accident, whether I’ll ever become a rock star, whether I’m stuck with this acne for the rest of my adult life, whether I’m a bad person when I shop at chain stores, whether I’m making the right choices, whether I have enough friends, and what people think of me… for example.  (I worry a lot.)  I also wish I were doing other things, like traveling more and seeing more plays and going to more concerts and open mic nights and taking more pictures and trying to see every park in Buffalo and learning the guitar and starting a commune and opening a tea shop.  Those are all plausible things, so really I just need to stop being lazy and do them.

The problem for me is that I have no desire to be tied down, but it’s so hard not to be.   I need a job to have money to pay rent to have somewhere to live and to buy food so that I don’t starve, and jobs generally keep me in one place.  If I keep job-hopping that will look bad on my résumé and make it harder for me to find a job at all.  For some reason, it’s hard for me to accept that all one can really expect from a life is a steady job, a home, a family, grocery shopping, going to the gym or the bar, taxes, car insurance, etc.  I’ve always expected more from life than that, but I’ve never really been able to articulate what exactly that is.  Maybe I’m just being greedy.

I think there has to be a balance between accepting things the way they are and trying to be happy, and retaining enough dissatisfaction to motivate you to improve things any way you can.

But I still don’t know what I want.  Buddhism says not to want anything, but I’m not sure I buy that either.  I’ll give it some more thought.


*I’m pretty sure I’m using this phrase wrong because a quick Google search suggested it only applies to call centers.  I guess those four months rubbed off on me…

 

Working Woes April 13, 2010

Filed under: The Future,Work — wildflowerfever @ 1:30 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

I need to get a new job.  This one keeps getting stuck in my head outside of work, and that just will not do.  I lie in bed at the end of every work week watching the same phrases wind their way through my tired brain:  “Thank you for calling ____.  My name is [Wildflowerfever] and I’ll be assisting you today.  May I please have your first and last name and your zip code?  Thank you very much.  And how can I assist you today, Mr./Ms. ____?  What type of meter are you using?  If you turn that meter over for me, there should be a small sticker toward the bottom with a serial number on it.  Could you please read that to me?  Thank you.  Was that X as in X-ray, H as in Henry, Z as in Zebra, 9830, B as in Boy, Y as in Yellow?  Thank you.  And were you at home in the United States when you had this problem with your meter?  Do you have your test strips with you as well?  On the black plastic vial that they come in, there should be a lot number to the right of the code number that begins with a 2 or 3.  Could you read that to me please?  And do those have a code of 25?  And an expiration date of 05/2011?  And a control solution range of 104.0 – 136.0 mg/dL?”  I have to repeat these phrases at work dozens of times a day.  And now that I’m taking calls in Spanish as well, I get all of this stuck in my head in Spanish. It’s annoying as hell and makes it rather difficult to sleep.

I am, in fact, aware that all jobs involve some degree of bullshit, but you will just have to trust me when I say that this particular job is so brimming with bullshit that it’s streaming out of every orifice.  I don’t even feel like going into the details, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to read them, either.  Just for one example, they have me scheduled as the ONLY person handling the Spanish language line for the entire country two nights a week.  One person.  For the whole country.  And I am probably the lowest-level Spanish speaker they have, since it is my second language and not my first.  This is extremely frustrating and stressful, not to mention unnecessary and ill-advised.  The worst part about it for me right now is the hours.  I work 1:45 – 10:00 p.m. Saturday through Wednesday.  Essentially, I work the exact opposite hours of all my friends, who work 9:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m., Monday through Friday.  And since the main reason I moved back to Buffalo was essentially to spend more time with my friends, I see this as a major drawback to the job.

So the trouble is that I am making $12 an hour here and working just under 40 hours a week.  It’s going to be hard to find another job that can match that, which is not also a call center or equally terrible, and it’s hard for me to justify switching to a job that pays less, even if it improves my quality of life otherwise.  I’ve applied to a couple of cafés as well as Barnes and Noble, but I don’t really see any of those going anywhere right now.  So where does that leave me?  I’m not sure.  I have an appointment with the Canisius career center for next Thursday, and I’m hoping that they will be able to help me a) find a better short-term job, and b) figure out what direction I should go in career-wise in the long run.  I will let you know how it goes.

So far, my favorite career options are:  Librarian, Organic Farmer, Café Owner, and Historic Preservationist.  Believe it or not, I was trying to pick things at the intersection of “Things I Could Feasibly Do” and “Things That Are Appealing.”  I rated these options as more feasible than careers such as Photographer, Writer, Graphic Designer, Prophet, Pirate, and Indiana Jones.

And now perhaps I should say something regarding the apparent Plight of My Generation.  It seems that many of us go off to college after high school because getting a four-year degree is more or less demanded of us these days if we expect to get any sort of decent job.  So many of us pick majors we enjoy, having been taught to follow our passion, and hope to be able to utilize these degrees post-graduation—at which point we slowly come to the unpleasant realization that a bachelor’s degree does not amount to much in today’s economy.  This, of course, does depend somewhat on the specific type of degree.  You can still find a job with business and computer science degrees as well as education degrees and BS-es in general—those that are more “practical” because they feed into a specific profession.  True, it might take you a year or two to land a decent full-time position, but it’s possible.  Those of us with bachelor’s degrees in the liberal arts are left floundering with regards to careers and usually end up working at jobs that don’t utilize our degrees, unless we head off to grad school, generally taking out more loans and investing even more money in an education that will hopefully land us a good job in the end so that we can spend the next 10+ years slaving away to The Man to pay back all of those loans.  The problem seems to be that so many people have bachelor’s degrees these days that they are becoming less and less valuable in terms of the types of jobs available, and we need to pursue even further education to make ourselves attractive to employers.  We’ve been raised to believe that we can become anything we want to be, only to find out that there are not enough jobs for everyone to have the job they want.  So what is the solution to all of this?  Do we need to lower our expectations?  It seems so, unless we are going to have a complete overhaul of society, which I have to admit is unlikely to happen any time soon.  So that’s just depressing.

Ideally, I think what I’d like to do is go back to some sort of apprentice system.  I enjoyed getting a bachelor’s degree, so I would still want to have that option, but when it comes to getting started in a career, I would really just like to start working for someone who has the career I want so that they can teach me all they know about it.  I would get paid only what I need to get by, and eventually when my mentor retired, I could take over their position or business seamlessly.  And, to tell you the complete honest truth, at times I have found myself thinking back to reading the Little House on the Prairie books when I was younger, and the division of labor that they relied on then, where the whole family farmed for a living, then men did the heavy labor and the women did the cooking and cleaning and caring for the children, and at times I’ve thought, well, would that really have been so bad?  I mean, I actually enjoy cooking and cleaning (strangely enough), and I do think I’d like to raise children someday.  I feel as though if I lived in that context, I could be content with that sort of life.  I know that I say this at the risk of sounding very un-feminist-like.  But feminism means allowing women choice in how they live their lives, and if women choose to stay at home long enough to raise a family, that certainly does not preclude them from being feminists.  You know?  I wouldn’t want to be forced to marry and have children because that’s the only option available to me as a woman, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to choose to do those things, nor that there is anything inherently wrong with that lifestyle.

Please forgive any gross generalizations I have made here, but feel free to comment and correct them as well.

 

Kicking through the autumn leaves October 26, 2009

Filed under: Beauty,Buffalo — wildflowerfever @ 11:31 pm
Tags: , , , ,

We’re finally starting to hit the peak of fall. This weekend was astonishingly beautiful—in the sixties and sunny—and I tried to spend as much of it as I could outside in spite of grad school (which I’m sure I’ll pay for later this week), just basking in the glow of the colors. On Sunday we drove to Glen Park, playing the old cassette tape of Hootie & the Blowfish’s Cracked Rear View that I found at Goodwill last week, to walk through woods and take pictures and soak up the glorious, perfect fall day. This is what I was missing all of last year in California, one of the things I’ve been looking forward to the most about being back in New York… When the leaves first started to turn I walked around my neighborhood, grabbed as many as my hands could hold, and taped them around my room, trying to pull as much fall into my life as possible. They’ve curled and browned now but I left them there because I’m not ready for this to be over, as the early-darkening sky portends. Why can’t this part of fall just last longer? What other season is this great?

There’s so much I want to do—roll in the leaves, drive out to the country, have endless bonfires, watch the sunset and the stars, find a corn maze, carve pumpkins, eat fried cakes and drink cider… I want to relive the best parts of all my falls past. It’s actually kind of stressing me out because I know I won’t be able to do everything I want to because I have grad school to deal with too, and I’ve been sick for the past week, which ate up valuable fall-enjoyment time. I feel like this happens with most of my favorite things in life. I look forward to them intensely forever, and when they’re finally here I can barely enjoy them because I’m so focused on trying to live out all my daydreams. Then they’re over before I know what hit me.

I think I just need to scrap my expectations, sometimes. My ideas are usually good but I just end up putting too much pressure on things so that I don’t enjoy them as much as I would if they were spontaneous. So I think I need to let some of it go and just try to be where I want to be in each moment as it comes—and if I can’t control where I am, I can try to make the most of being there.

 

 
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