The Art of Uncertainty

life after college, question mark?

…In which I ramble about life in my twenties. April 1, 2011

I find that words fail me a lot.  We as human beings need to invent a better method of communication.

I feel… frenzied tonight.  Like I have more energy than I know what to do with.

I would like to be a connoisseur of beauty.  That sounds nice.  Let’s do that.

It’s strange how the same things inspire me now as when I was fifteen.  It’s funny how much changes in nine years, but it’s even funnier how much doesn’t change at all.

I hate cold calling* people I don’t call on a regular basis.  In fact, I have a minor panic attack before I have to do it…  The best way to get it done is to just dial without thinking about it, but it’s impossibly difficult to try NOT to think about something.  I like to think that courage is rewarded.  I’ve found that to be the case before in my life, but I suppose it can’t always work that way.

I went to a dinner party/wedding reception last night with some people that I work with, and I ended up having more interesting conversations with my coworkers than I ever have at work.  One coworker in particular gave me a smattering of random details about her life that I found fascinating, and I would love to get to know her better.  At one point we were talking about the idea of age and retaining a youthful spirit, and I asked her what advice she would give to someone who’s twenty-four.  (She’s in her mid-forties.)  She said that she wished she hadn’t worried as much and had experienced more.  That sounds right on, as far as my life goes.  I spend my time worrying about all sorts of things—the past, the future, what career I’ll have, whether I’ll ever get married/have kids/buy a house, whether I’m wasting my twenties, whether my health will fail me, whether I’ll die in a car accident, whether I’ll ever become a rock star, whether I’m stuck with this acne for the rest of my adult life, whether I’m a bad person when I shop at chain stores, whether I’m making the right choices, whether I have enough friends, and what people think of me… for example.  (I worry a lot.)  I also wish I were doing other things, like traveling more and seeing more plays and going to more concerts and open mic nights and taking more pictures and trying to see every park in Buffalo and learning the guitar and starting a commune and opening a tea shop.  Those are all plausible things, so really I just need to stop being lazy and do them.

The problem for me is that I have no desire to be tied down, but it’s so hard not to be.   I need a job to have money to pay rent to have somewhere to live and to buy food so that I don’t starve, and jobs generally keep me in one place.  If I keep job-hopping that will look bad on my résumé and make it harder for me to find a job at all.  For some reason, it’s hard for me to accept that all one can really expect from a life is a steady job, a home, a family, grocery shopping, going to the gym or the bar, taxes, car insurance, etc.  I’ve always expected more from life than that, but I’ve never really been able to articulate what exactly that is.  Maybe I’m just being greedy.

I think there has to be a balance between accepting things the way they are and trying to be happy, and retaining enough dissatisfaction to motivate you to improve things any way you can.

But I still don’t know what I want.  Buddhism says not to want anything, but I’m not sure I buy that either.  I’ll give it some more thought.


*I’m pretty sure I’m using this phrase wrong because a quick Google search suggested it only applies to call centers.  I guess those four months rubbed off on me…

 

Random Thoughts of the Day February 18, 2011

Filed under: Musings,Random Rambling,The Future,Work — wildflowerfever @ 1:23 am
Tags: , , , , ,

1. It’s been a while since I had one of those moments where I realize I don’t know someone nearly as well as I think I do.  The biggest instance of this that I remember is when I got an AIM account the summer I graduated from high school and discovered my classmates’ LiveJournals.  It was strange to read all of these thoughts and feelings I’d been unaware of in those around me, and it made me feel like I’d been walking around in my own little bubble the whole time.  I think I’m still in a bubble.

2. Have you ever met someone who is so amazing that the knowledge that such a person exists makes you excited to be human again?

3. I am really, really bad at writing emails.  I type it up, then reread it and tear it apart, second-guess everything I say, rephrase it all, decide it’s hopelessly inadequate, and send it anyway, hoping the person will understand what I was trying to convey.  Sometimes I can be weirdly neurotic.

4. I just re-watched Amélie and realized that I can relate to the way she gets caught up in daydreams about meeting her mystery man but is afraid to actually introduce herself, going to ridiculous levels to keep him interested but not too close.  The moment when you actually have to face the viability of your dreams is very scary.  Nothing ever goes as I envision it, but sometimes it turns out okay anyway.

5. We’re having funding problems at work, and there’s some risk of me losing my job after April.  I’m not sure how much risk, but my coworkers have been applying other places.  I’m not seriously worried because things will work out one way or another, but I’ve been entertaining myself by coming up with contingency plans:

  • Go back to the call center… actually, I’d rather be broke… actually, I’d rather stick a fork in my eye.  So scratch that.
  • Live off a combination of unemployment, random tutoring, crafting, and buying things at thrift stores and selling them on eBay as collectibles.
  • Write my first novel.
  • Go back to school for something like library science.
  • Join a band.
  • Become a groupie for some band or other and follow them around the country… not like I have any in mind… ahem.
  • Write a letter to the News offering my services as a copy editor for their online articles, because they really need another one.
  • Look into other volunteer programs.
  • Open a tea shop/used book store/cafe.
  • Go on a CouchSurfing tour of the country and possibly write a book about it.
  • Become an amateur private investigator like the guy in Bored to Death.

I really need more sleep.

 

Change, Change, Change (Change, Change?) June 6, 2010

Filed under: The Future — wildflowerfever @ 1:23 am
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Change #1 – I’m in the market for a new apartment.  I’m looking for a one-bedroom in North Buffalo for $500 or under that includes appliances and a bathtub and has some sort of laundry facilities, to rent starting in July or August.  July would be nice because I’m eager to move out soon, but August would be nice too because I wouldn’t be eating a month’s rent because of the overlap.  I’m also now debating getting a two-bedroom and splitting it because I found out a friend is looking for a new place starting in August or September.  I’ve sort of been looking forward to living alone for the first time—how glorious it would be, to clean up a mess that I’m 100% certain is mine!—but I’m afraid it would get lonely, and I think it could be fun living with her if we could try to work out some of your typical potential roommate problems in advance.

Change #2 – As I’ve mentioned here before, I’m also looking for a new job.  I interviewed at the temp agency AppleOne about a week ago and haven’t heard from them since despite leaving a couple of messages, which is rather disappointing.  More promising is my second interview on Monday for a legal assistant position at a local non-profit.  Wish me luck!

Change #3 – One of my best friends from college just moved away to Texas on Thursday, so that is a bummer, but I hope it works out well for her.  Buffalo is an emptier place now.

Change #4 – My boyfriend and I are not going to have any more fights.  True story.  (I hope.)

Change #5 – I have 10 pages left in my current journal (one-sided), and I’m getting myself psyched up to start a new one.  I want to do a complete format overhaul.  I’ve tried this half-heartedly in past journals and just lapsed into the same old style, but I really want it to work this time.  My writing feels so stale right now, and I’m really tired of it, so I’m going to try to do something drastic to get more life into it.  I’m not even going to decorate it the same way this time.  The plan is to take a composition book and just tape things all over it—tickets and postcards and leaves and anything else from my life that can feasibly be taped to a book.  Then I want the writing to be less structured.  I want to kind of throw format out the window and write however I feel like writing that day—in pictures, in spirals, upside-down, in crazy colors, in fragments, in individual words, in foreign languages—whatever.

*   *   *

The change of seasons tends to make me nostalgic, and I find myself pulled randomly into memories of spring riding Muni to Ocean Beach in San Francisco, spring staying up til all hours hanging out at Canisius, spring hostelling it through Rome and Paris and Granada and Barcelona, spring meandering grassy hills in Oviedo, and spring in Webster nearing the end of the school year, watching ducklings waddle through courtyards and breathing AP and Regents exams.  Having experienced all these things sometimes makes me feel like I’m wasting my time and should be amounting to something more, but at other times I realize that all these experiences are still with me, still a part of me, still help compose the fabric of who I am right now.  And I realize that even though my life at the moment seems kind of dull, that doesn’t mean it will stay that way.  Everything is an adventure if you look at it the right way, and random crazy adventures can jump out at you at any moment without warning.  And I most certainly embrace the random crazy adventures.

Title from this song.  Or click here for a very energetic (yet less melodious) live version.

 

Working Woes April 13, 2010

Filed under: The Future,Work — wildflowerfever @ 1:30 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

I need to get a new job.  This one keeps getting stuck in my head outside of work, and that just will not do.  I lie in bed at the end of every work week watching the same phrases wind their way through my tired brain:  “Thank you for calling ____.  My name is [Wildflowerfever] and I’ll be assisting you today.  May I please have your first and last name and your zip code?  Thank you very much.  And how can I assist you today, Mr./Ms. ____?  What type of meter are you using?  If you turn that meter over for me, there should be a small sticker toward the bottom with a serial number on it.  Could you please read that to me?  Thank you.  Was that X as in X-ray, H as in Henry, Z as in Zebra, 9830, B as in Boy, Y as in Yellow?  Thank you.  And were you at home in the United States when you had this problem with your meter?  Do you have your test strips with you as well?  On the black plastic vial that they come in, there should be a lot number to the right of the code number that begins with a 2 or 3.  Could you read that to me please?  And do those have a code of 25?  And an expiration date of 05/2011?  And a control solution range of 104.0 – 136.0 mg/dL?”  I have to repeat these phrases at work dozens of times a day.  And now that I’m taking calls in Spanish as well, I get all of this stuck in my head in Spanish. It’s annoying as hell and makes it rather difficult to sleep.

I am, in fact, aware that all jobs involve some degree of bullshit, but you will just have to trust me when I say that this particular job is so brimming with bullshit that it’s streaming out of every orifice.  I don’t even feel like going into the details, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to read them, either.  Just for one example, they have me scheduled as the ONLY person handling the Spanish language line for the entire country two nights a week.  One person.  For the whole country.  And I am probably the lowest-level Spanish speaker they have, since it is my second language and not my first.  This is extremely frustrating and stressful, not to mention unnecessary and ill-advised.  The worst part about it for me right now is the hours.  I work 1:45 – 10:00 p.m. Saturday through Wednesday.  Essentially, I work the exact opposite hours of all my friends, who work 9:00 a.m. – 5:00 p.m., Monday through Friday.  And since the main reason I moved back to Buffalo was essentially to spend more time with my friends, I see this as a major drawback to the job.

So the trouble is that I am making $12 an hour here and working just under 40 hours a week.  It’s going to be hard to find another job that can match that, which is not also a call center or equally terrible, and it’s hard for me to justify switching to a job that pays less, even if it improves my quality of life otherwise.  I’ve applied to a couple of cafés as well as Barnes and Noble, but I don’t really see any of those going anywhere right now.  So where does that leave me?  I’m not sure.  I have an appointment with the Canisius career center for next Thursday, and I’m hoping that they will be able to help me a) find a better short-term job, and b) figure out what direction I should go in career-wise in the long run.  I will let you know how it goes.

So far, my favorite career options are:  Librarian, Organic Farmer, Café Owner, and Historic Preservationist.  Believe it or not, I was trying to pick things at the intersection of “Things I Could Feasibly Do” and “Things That Are Appealing.”  I rated these options as more feasible than careers such as Photographer, Writer, Graphic Designer, Prophet, Pirate, and Indiana Jones.

And now perhaps I should say something regarding the apparent Plight of My Generation.  It seems that many of us go off to college after high school because getting a four-year degree is more or less demanded of us these days if we expect to get any sort of decent job.  So many of us pick majors we enjoy, having been taught to follow our passion, and hope to be able to utilize these degrees post-graduation—at which point we slowly come to the unpleasant realization that a bachelor’s degree does not amount to much in today’s economy.  This, of course, does depend somewhat on the specific type of degree.  You can still find a job with business and computer science degrees as well as education degrees and BS-es in general—those that are more “practical” because they feed into a specific profession.  True, it might take you a year or two to land a decent full-time position, but it’s possible.  Those of us with bachelor’s degrees in the liberal arts are left floundering with regards to careers and usually end up working at jobs that don’t utilize our degrees, unless we head off to grad school, generally taking out more loans and investing even more money in an education that will hopefully land us a good job in the end so that we can spend the next 10+ years slaving away to The Man to pay back all of those loans.  The problem seems to be that so many people have bachelor’s degrees these days that they are becoming less and less valuable in terms of the types of jobs available, and we need to pursue even further education to make ourselves attractive to employers.  We’ve been raised to believe that we can become anything we want to be, only to find out that there are not enough jobs for everyone to have the job they want.  So what is the solution to all of this?  Do we need to lower our expectations?  It seems so, unless we are going to have a complete overhaul of society, which I have to admit is unlikely to happen any time soon.  So that’s just depressing.

Ideally, I think what I’d like to do is go back to some sort of apprentice system.  I enjoyed getting a bachelor’s degree, so I would still want to have that option, but when it comes to getting started in a career, I would really just like to start working for someone who has the career I want so that they can teach me all they know about it.  I would get paid only what I need to get by, and eventually when my mentor retired, I could take over their position or business seamlessly.  And, to tell you the complete honest truth, at times I have found myself thinking back to reading the Little House on the Prairie books when I was younger, and the division of labor that they relied on then, where the whole family farmed for a living, then men did the heavy labor and the women did the cooking and cleaning and caring for the children, and at times I’ve thought, well, would that really have been so bad?  I mean, I actually enjoy cooking and cleaning (strangely enough), and I do think I’d like to raise children someday.  I feel as though if I lived in that context, I could be content with that sort of life.  I know that I say this at the risk of sounding very un-feminist-like.  But feminism means allowing women choice in how they live their lives, and if women choose to stay at home long enough to raise a family, that certainly does not preclude them from being feminists.  You know?  I wouldn’t want to be forced to marry and have children because that’s the only option available to me as a woman, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to choose to do those things, nor that there is anything inherently wrong with that lifestyle.

Please forgive any gross generalizations I have made here, but feel free to comment and correct them as well.

 

Update Update! July 17, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — wildflowerfever @ 12:57 am
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Figured I’d post since, you know, I haven’t in a while, and I’m going on my final JVC retreat tomorrow.  Here is the news:

(1)  Saw my extended family last week when we went on a cruise from Fort Lauderdale to Key West to Cozumel to Belize.  Great to see the family; the boat made me dizzy.  Such is life.  I would also like to note that cruises are about as un-JVC as you can get.

(2)  I have an apartment for next year!  It’s in a converted elementary school off Hertel.  I’m pretty stoked to move.  For some reason I love moving?  Maybe it’s just nice to feel like my life is going somewhere, even if it turns out to be an illusion.  I am SO excited for fall.  I know I’ll be sad to leave San Francisco too, but fortunately that part hasn’t fully hit me yet.

(3)  Saw Coldplay on Monday at Shoreline Amphitheatre.  The concert was MASSIVE.  (About 22,000 people.)  And great, of course.  They had tons of cool lighting effects, they showered everyone with tissue paper butterflies and handed out free CDs at the end.  The music was awesome even though we could barely see the band.

(4)  Harry Potter 6 movie = fantastic.  In my opinion, of course.  This was the first one I didn’t criticize the hell out of for being different from the book.  It’s pretty likely that I just enjoyed it more because I was more open-minded this time, which is more of a reflection on me than on the movie.  But go see it anyway—unless of course you haven’t read the books, in which case, get your ass to a library NOW.

(5)  One more recommendation: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I’d been seeing that book around all year and I’d avoided reading it because it just seemed too JVC and I didn’t want to be a total cliché, but I found it at the library a couple of weeks ago and caved.  It was one of those books that seem to come at just the right time for me.  Definitely worth the read.

(6)  Disorientation starts tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to seeing everybody and hanging out in nature and having the day off of work.  Retreats are a pretty sweet deal sometimes.  I’ll try to come up with something more interesting and insightful for you to read when I get back.

That’s about all for now.  I leave you with a picture of my future apartment building taken from its website:

Public School 22

 

A Sort-Of Resolution April 24, 2009

Filed under: The Future — wildflowerfever @ 12:59 am
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Last Thursday my mom e-mailed me to ask whether I’d made a decision on grad school, so instead of e-mailing her back, I called her after work on my way to the library. This is (roughly) how it went.

Mom:  Have you decided on grad school yet?
Me:     Not so much.
Mom:  Well, you only have eleven days.
Me:     I am aware of this.
Mom:  You’d better make a decision.
Me:     No, really?
Mom:  I don’t have any advice for you.
Me:     You know what, this really isn’t helping. I’ll call you back when I get out of
           the subway.

I called her back when I got to the library, but I wasn’t sure if they had a “no cell phones” policy inside, so I stood in the lobby leaning against the railing on the wheelchair ramp for the rest of this conversation. She told me that grad school was a very practical option. A teaching degree would be useful in the future even if I decided not to be a classroom teacher. She reminded me that the job market sucks harder than a black hole and that if I chose grad school I could at least be sure that I would be doing something next year. She also reminded me that it wasn’t a lifetime commitment—which is depressing in a way, but it’s also a relief, because long-term decisions are more daunting than short-term ones. She told me that I shouldn’t be basing my decision on money at this stage.

I argued with almost everything she said: Yes, a teaching degree would be useful for multiple reasons. I know that the job market sucks but that alone is not a good reason to go to grad school next year. I shouldn’t be spending that much money on something that I’m not 100% sure about, or even 80% sure about. Being in debt makes me a prisoner of society. I’m not necessarily going to give away my possessions and go travel the world seeking truth, but I like having the option. If I were chained to a job and a loan repayment plan it would make things like that a lot harder to do. I don’t want to do what’s practical. I am scared to death of boringness and convention. I don’t want to be a “real adult.” I don’t like the system and I don’t want to work with the system. I’m tired of all the stupid rules and all the bullshit in life that I have to wade through before I can do anything that I actually want to do. It takes the joy and spontaneity out of everything.

She told me that I was just like my little brother who had told her that evening that he was going to throw himself out his bedroom window because his life was “no fun” (prompted by Mom having signed him up for a cartooning class on one afternoon during his spring break). I said maybe he had a point. If life sucks no matter what, then why bother? Then she counted up my bonds while I was on the phone. (I hadn’t been aware that I had bonds.) Everything taken into account, it turns out I’m technically only in debt about $2,000, if I wanted to be flat broke right now. I had to admit that the money wasn’t nearly as much of an issue as I’d thought it had been. She said that I could at least give grad school a try, and if I didn’t like it, I could figure out what I wanted to do from there.

Afterward, I thought it over. My mother’s reasons were very reasonable, whereas mine were emotional and instinctive. It was helpful to have someone argue for one option so that I could argue for the other one, instead of trying to compare both at once. I think the biggest convincing factor might have been the money. If I can afford it, then why not give it a shot? Worst case scenario, I discover while student teaching next spring that it really isn’t for me, and I try to find something else I might want to do. And however angry I get at society, completely dropping out just isn’t a realistic option for me, especially since I have no concrete idea of how I would want to do that.

I went online and confirmed my acceptance after work on Monday. I feel kind of like I’ve lost a battle, and half of me has—I was bound to feel like that either way. But I’m content with the decision. I have a future, at least for now, and I have dreams, too: I’m still trying to figure out how to make the two correspond.

 

Discernment Deliberation April 5, 2009

Filed under: The Future — wildflowerfever @ 11:42 pm
Tags: ,

While taking a shower tonight, I came to the conclusion that I should not be a teacher. I come to these sorts of conclusions a lot and then change my mind, so it might not count for a whole lot yet, but hear me out. When I examine my motivations, I start to realize that they’re all abstract—I want to become a teacher because the idea of it appeals to me, but most of its appeal does not come from specific experiences I have had teaching. Just because I like teaching in general, does not mean that it’s the right fit for me. I don’t know if I have the patience or the energy or the inner peace at this point. Also, I think that a lot of the reason I want to become a teacher is that I’ve been blessed to know a lot of amazing people who are teachers, and they’ve inspired me to want to be like them. When I think about it, though, there are a lot of amazing people who are not teachers as well—what makes people amazing, at least in the sense that I’m referring to, is that they’re doing something they’re passionate about, they’re doing it well, and they’re totally dedicated to it and energized by it. So instead of trying to emulate specific details of the lives of people I admire, maybe I should be figuring out what that one thing is for me, the thing that ignites my enthusiasm and stirs me to pursue it above all else. My roommate Julie gave me the advice that I should think about what I’m good at, what makes me happy, and what the world needs from me; the point these three intersect is where I belong. The trouble is that I don’t even know the answers to the smaller questions, much less the larger ones…

(Update:  I found out the day after I wrote this that I got into grad school.)

 

…In which I ramble extensively. February 25, 2009

Filed under: JVC,Random Rambling,The Future — wildflowerfever @ 5:32 pm
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We’re nearing the end of February, which means that my JV year is more than half over.  It’s strange to think that just a year ago, I was stressing out over my senior thesis and how in hell I was going to get 35 pages written by May.  In a lot of ways it still feels like that semester just ended, but a lot has changed since then too.  I’ve been working on getting a lot of stuff figured out… I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I have anything figured out, but I’ve been putting a lot of thought into it, which is good.  I think this JVC thing was a good idea.  The program has its flaws (such as a general mild lack of organization and the occasional tendency to baby us), but I also think it provides an opportune environment for you to just chill out and sort through your life, which is a pretty valuable thing to do.

It’s funny, but I feel like I don’t write a whole lot about JVC itself here.  Maybe I’ll start trying to do that more.  For example: I organized my third Spirituality Night on Monday—we’re supposed to hold Community Night and Spirituality Night each once a week, but we’ve been alternating weeks for a while now just to free up a little of our time.  For my first Spirituality Night (back in early September) I tried to do something Ramadan-related because it happened to fall on the first day of Ramadan.  For my second one, I stole an idea from Joe at fall retreat: I had each person pick a song that was meaningful to them, and then we went around the room and played our songs and talked about them.  This time we decided to check out the free Monday night meditation class at the Women’s Building.  It was pretty interesting.  The woman who teaches the class is a Buddhist monk, and she offers the classes for free—you could tell how much she loved what she was doing.  We had 15 minutes of meditation, maybe 15 minutes of talking about meditation, a short break, and 15 more minutes of meditation.  I thought it was pretty cool for just the breathing and the focusing, even though I don’t really buy into all the aura/chakra stuff.  I think it would be cool to make kind of a database of different spirituality night ideas for JVC, because when I’m drawing a blank and run Google searches on these kinds of things I come up empty-handed.

Sometimes I want to go back to Buffalo after JVC, sometimes I want to stay here, and sometimes I want to go Boston or Ireland or India.  Sometimes I want to get a job, sometimes I want to go back to school, and sometimes I just want to wander.  Mostly what I want is stories.  This is the time in my life when I’m supposed to be amassing stories that I can tell when I’m older.  And stories, I think, are usually something that comes to you whenever the time is right—in the meantime, I guess I learn the art of waiting.

There are times when I feel both old and young at once: there is a part of me that’s fifteen and there’s a part of me that’s fifty.  On the subway this morning I could feel them both sitting there silently, watching me through my own skin as the stops slid by.  For one I am the future, and for the other I am the past.  This is a unique moment in my life and a unique moment in history, and I want to be present in it.  I feel like reality is more real to me sometimes if I look at it from a perspective that is not my own—if I think of myself as that fifty-year-old woman thinking back on this moment that she experienced so many years ago, or as the fifteen-year-old trying to picture where she’ll end up in seven years.  This is what I am, this is where I am, and this is the only reality there is.  Now is the only time that this moment has ever been and ever will be.  Isn’t it amazing to exist?

 

Occasionally, I CAN make decisions. January 28, 2009

Filed under: Buffalo,Home,The Future — wildflowerfever @ 2:56 pm
Tags: , ,

Case in point: I’ve taken a major step and decided that I’d like to end up back in Buffalo after JVC. (This is probably old news for many of the people reading this, but I feel the need to document it anyway.) For a while I was considering going to another random city and getting a job or applying to other programs, but when I went back to New York for Christmas and New Year’s, I came to the conclusion that that’s where I’d really like to be. This is sort of an unprecedented move for me. I have a history of running from the familiar: I chose a middle/high school and a college where I knew absolutely no one and had to make new friends from scratch, and after college I moved out to California to live with a bunch of total strangers. In all the major decisions I’ve made so far in my life, I’ve never chosen to return anywhere.

I think it’s partially this crazy desire for motion. I can’t shake this feeling that I’m searching for something, even though I’m not sure exactly what it is, and I think part of me keeps expecting to find it in every new place I go. But it occurred to me that maybe moving is not the answer—maybe what I’m searching for is something that I could find just by being. What am I seeking? Right now I’d say meaning, purpose, connection, stories, understanding, peace and fulfillment. Not easy things to find by any means. But I finally thought, maybe putting down roots is not such a bad thing after all. Maybe it doesn’t have to mean getting stuck—maybe it could mean being home. Maybe the way to deal with my fear of stagnation is not periodic relocation; maybe what I’m really doing is running from that fear. Maybe the only way to truly face it is to embrace the familiar and find ways to keep life exhilarating within that context.

Completely unrelatedly: we have our third retreat this weekend, and I’m not particularly looking forward to it, mostly because I want to watch more Buffy. (Rather than sitting around complaining about our lack of friends, some of my roommates and I are trying to make our way through the whole series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD. I’m way more into it than I probably should be at the age of 22.) It’ll be nice to get away, I suppose, although I’m not looking forward to the orphanage-style cabins. I was pretty “meh” about last retreat beforehand, too—maybe it’s just a retreat thing.

 

“Tell me this is paradise, and not some place I fell.” January 23, 2009

Filed under: Music,Random Rambling,The Future,Work — wildflowerfever @ 10:02 pm
Tags: , , , ,

Answer (to the previous post):

I am scared to death that I am wasting my life.

I’ve been over and over this, too. I can’t be wasting my life as long as I’m living every moment, appreciating every experience, and enjoying being alive as thoroughly as I can. The trouble is that sometimes that’s freaking hard to do. This week was a very long week, even though it was only a four-day work week. I was pestering lawyers to get back to me with statistics and scrambling to put them all together for one of our grants, and it was really, really tedious. I had a couple nights where I was up insanely late for no particular reason, and I was turning this “grad school vs. job” thing over and over and over in my head until I was just so sick of thinking about it, all I wanted was to turn off my brain. Tired of working, tired of thinking, tired of existing. I need something new.

“I want to feel the car crash
I want to feel it capsize
I want to feel the bomb drop, the earth stop ‘til I’m satisfied.

I want to feel the car crash
‘cause I’m dying on the inside
I want to let go and know that I’ll be alright, alright.

Just push me ‘til I have to fly
I’ve shed my skin, my scars
take me deep out past the lights
where nothing dims these stars,
nothing dims these stars,
stars…”

(Matt Nathanson)

The song was playing while I was typing and it just seemed to fit…everything. This year is a lot of me learning to cope with the tedium and monotony of the adult world, of 9-5 work days and paying the bills and not having all your friends within a mile of you, and I’m so, so scared of disappearing into the boredom. I don’t want to be bored with life. Still, I’m having to face the fact that we’re never genuinely free to do and be what we want. So much of what I want from life is beyond my control, and it’s really frustrating. There’s got to be a way to make life worthwhile, to find exhilaration in every single day and keep the numbness at bay. It has to be out there, and I’m going to find it, because the alternative isn’t something I’m willing to consider.

 

 
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