We’re finally starting to hit the peak of fall. This weekend was astonishingly beautiful—in the sixties and sunny—and I tried to spend as much of it as I could outside in spite of grad school (which I’m sure I’ll pay for later this week), just basking in the glow of the colors. On Sunday we drove to Glen Park, playing the old cassette tape of Hootie & the Blowfish’s Cracked Rear View that I found at Goodwill last week, to walk through woods and take pictures and soak up the glorious, perfect fall day. This is what I was missing all of last year in California, one of the things I’ve been looking forward to the most about being back in New York… When the leaves first started to turn I walked around my neighborhood, grabbed as many as my hands could hold, and taped them around my room, trying to pull as much fall into my life as possible. They’ve curled and browned now but I left them there because I’m not ready for this to be over, as the early-darkening sky portends. Why can’t this part of fall just last longer? What other season is this great?
There’s so much I want to do—roll in the leaves, drive out to the country, have endless bonfires, watch the sunset and the stars, find a corn maze, carve pumpkins, eat fried cakes and drink cider… I want to relive the best parts of all my falls past. It’s actually kind of stressing me out because I know I won’t be able to do everything I want to because I have grad school to deal with too, and I’ve been sick for the past week, which ate up valuable fall-enjoyment time. I feel like this happens with most of my favorite things in life. I look forward to them intensely forever, and when they’re finally here I can barely enjoy them because I’m so focused on trying to live out all my daydreams. Then they’re over before I know what hit me.
I think I just need to scrap my expectations, sometimes. My ideas are usually good but I just end up putting too much pressure on things so that I don’t enjoy them as much as I would if they were spontaneous. So I think I need to let some of it go and just try to be where I want to be in each moment as it comes—and if I can’t control where I am, I can try to make the most of being there.