…In which people continue to suck.

One of my more troubling characteristics right now is my inability to sustain anger.  I can remain pissed off at someone for about 24 hours maximum for doing something that hurts me, unless it’s obviously intentionally cruel, in which case they’re just a jerkface buttbrain.*  After the initial anger dissipates I am ready to make up, regardless of whether anything has been resolved and my concerns have been addressed and I have even expressed the extent to which I’m hurt.  This is not because I am a benevolent forgiving person; this is because I’m a spineless sap.  I hate conflict, I hate fighting, I hate being mad at people and people being mad at me, and I just want to get past it so that we can start being friends and having fun again.  I miss them.  Everything reminds me of them and all of the good memories I have with them and all of the things I like about them and I just can’t bring myself to do anything that might prolong the conflict—the missing wears me down until I’m ready to just swallow all of my concerns for the sake of appeasing the other person.  But then I’m not happy in the long run because these things just fester, so that’s not healthy either.  In a way, I think I might prefer to be silently unhappy myself than to have someone else unhappy with me.  It’s far from ideal, but at least it’s easier to deal with.  (The past four days have been ridiculously hard to get through.  I suppose I’m building strength of character?  Maybe?)  (…I doubt it.)

*As you can see, I keep my insults classy.


Change, Change, Change (Change, Change?)

Change #1 – I’m in the market for a new apartment.  I’m looking for a one-bedroom in North Buffalo for $500 or under that includes appliances and a bathtub and has some sort of laundry facilities, to rent starting in July or August.  July would be nice because I’m eager to move out soon, but August would be nice too because I wouldn’t be eating a month’s rent because of the overlap.  I’m also now debating getting a two-bedroom and splitting it because I found out a friend is looking for a new place starting in August or September.  I’ve sort of been looking forward to living alone for the first time—how glorious it would be, to clean up a mess that I’m 100% certain is mine!—but I’m afraid it would get lonely, and I think it could be fun living with her if we could try to work out some of your typical potential roommate problems in advance.

Change #2 – As I’ve mentioned here before, I’m also looking for a new job.  I interviewed at the temp agency AppleOne about a week ago and haven’t heard from them since despite leaving a couple of messages, which is rather disappointing.  More promising is my second interview on Monday for a legal assistant position at a local non-profit.  Wish me luck!

Change #3 – One of my best friends from college just moved away to Texas on Thursday, so that is a bummer, but I hope it works out well for her.  Buffalo is an emptier place now.

Change #4 – My boyfriend and I are not going to have any more fights.  True story.  (I hope.)

Change #5 – I have 10 pages left in my current journal (one-sided), and I’m getting myself psyched up to start a new one.  I want to do a complete format overhaul.  I’ve tried this half-heartedly in past journals and just lapsed into the same old style, but I really want it to work this time.  My writing feels so stale right now, and I’m really tired of it, so I’m going to try to do something drastic to get more life into it.  I’m not even going to decorate it the same way this time.  The plan is to take a composition book and just tape things all over it—tickets and postcards and leaves and anything else from my life that can feasibly be taped to a book.  Then I want the writing to be less structured.  I want to kind of throw format out the window and write however I feel like writing that day—in pictures, in spirals, upside-down, in crazy colors, in fragments, in individual words, in foreign languages—whatever.

*   *   *

The change of seasons tends to make me nostalgic, and I find myself pulled randomly into memories of spring riding Muni to Ocean Beach in San Francisco, spring staying up til all hours hanging out at Canisius, spring hostelling it through Rome and Paris and Granada and Barcelona, spring meandering grassy hills in Oviedo, and spring in Webster nearing the end of the school year, watching ducklings waddle through courtyards and breathing AP and Regents exams.  Having experienced all these things sometimes makes me feel like I’m wasting my time and should be amounting to something more, but at other times I realize that all these experiences are still with me, still a part of me, still help compose the fabric of who I am right now.  And I realize that even though my life at the moment seems kind of dull, that doesn’t mean it will stay that way.  Everything is an adventure if you look at it the right way, and random crazy adventures can jump out at you at any moment without warning.  And I most certainly embrace the random crazy adventures.

Title from this song.  Or click here for a very energetic (yet less melodious) live version.